Blast from the past.
My chest hurts. This Costochondritis is getting out of hand. It litterally feels like a cantalope is inside my left lung. Yeah .. I said cantalope. It sucks. It's been like this all day. Even after a trip to the doctor and tons of meds, it still hurts. Nothing is showing up on my EKG's, Xrays, tests, and heart monitors. NOTHING. It's fusterating being in this kind of pain and not knowing what to do about it.

It's been 20 days (as of right now) since Chad died. It's been 20 days since everyone died a little inside. We've had 20 days to let it start to sink in. 20 days. It still hurts so bad. I just put on the face everyone is used to seeing and try to move on. Chad and I weren't that close. But damned if I didn't look up to him. Damned if we didn't still talk. Damned if we haven't had a lot of good memories. Chad and I were JROTC buddies. Same rank our Senior year. Always bickering about who was better .. me or him. Still fighting over who won the damned race back to Northwest. I mean, he was Chad. When we all found out he was going into the Army .. we all knew the risk .. but we never ever imagined this happening. Chad was invinsible. In my eyes, he still is.

I have a husband, a best friend, friends at work, and tons of family .. but I still feel alone. 

There is no way to cure this pain,
This pain the came the day you passed on.
I swear I felt your soul pass through mine,
Like a whisper or a lovely goodbye.

You died in honor on a mission for freedom
But you didn't free our hearts from this.
We miss you sorely and I can't stop crying.
Save me old friend. Save me.

I can't stop the flow of tears down my face.
I can't stop the time from flying under my feet.
I can't stop the slight smile creeping up when I remember,
Your life twined with mine.
You were a friend.
A dear dear friend.

There is nothing we wouldn't do to bring you back.
There isn't any length we wouldn't go to just see you smile.
But we know the destiny exists.
Come back, please come back.

All the walls are white.
All the text is black.
No shades of grey anymore.
Life isn't interesting anymore.

I can't stop the flow of tears down my face.
I can't stop the time from flying under my feet.
I can't stop the slight smile creeping up when I remember,
Your life twined wiht mine.
You were a friend.
A dear dear friend.

You're not alone.
Together we stand.
I'll be by your side.
You know I'll take your hand.
When it gets old and it feels like the end;
I'll be by your side.
You know I won't give in.
No, I won't give in.

Keep holding on, cause you know we'll make it through.
We'll make it through.
Just stay strong, cause I'm here.
I'm here for you.
There's nothing you can say;
Nothing you can do.
There's no other way when it comes to the truth.
So keep holding on, cause you know we'll make it through.
We'll make it through.

Jon .. I'm here for you. I know you haven't grown up in a "normal" life .. well .. who has? Everyone's life is different. But we have OUR life now. Our future. Us. You're parents didn't give you all the nuture and love that you should of had. But I will. I'll try to make up for that. I won't be your mother. I'll be your friend. Your lover. Your wife. Your everything. It's us now. Through all the drama, all the fights, all the random people that enter and leave our lives, it'll always be us. I want to help break down that defense you built. I want you to learn to trust me. I want to just be here, with you, forever.

So far away.
I wish you were here;
Before it's too and this could all disappear.
Before for the doors close;
This comes to an end;
But with you by my side I will fight and defend.
I'll fight and defend.

Grandpa .. this is for you. I dreamed of you last night. You were so close I almost felt your skin and smelt your old man baby powder. People call me pathetic, call me stupid, and make fun of me because I still hurt and still grieve. But YOU WERE MY EVERYTHING. Dammit, you were just. like. me. And you're gone. But I'll see you again. I will make it a promise to see you again. I don't blame you .. I just miss you. And your birthday was hard. No one understands .. but it was really hard. Every day, week, month, year you're gone .. makes the alone times for me harder. But I miss you. Damn, I miss you.

Keep holding on, cause you know we'll make it through.
We'll make it through.
Just stay strong, cause I'm here.
I'm here for you.
There's nothing you can say;
Nothing you can do.
There's no other way when it comes to the truth.
So keep holding on, cause you know we'll make it through.
We'll make it through.

Erika .. you are my other half. The pepper to my spice. The peel to my banana. Well .. whatever. You're the other half. I know you're friends with Candice and Alex and I know that you have other friends. But you're still my other half. And .. yes .. I'm being INCREDIBLY MUSHY right now .. but I do want to let you know that I am definately here for you. At work, when it gets tough there .. I'll be right next to you helping you out. When you need a shoulder, I'll have mine there first. I know I have Jon .. but no one will replace you. And knowing that we'll be this tight forever makes me wanna fight stupid assed managers with you :D Lylas.

Hear me when I say I believe.
Nothing's going to change destiny.
Whatever it's meant to be.
We'll work it out perfectly.

Keep holding on, cause you know we'll make it through.
We'll make it through.
Just stay strong, cause I'm here.
I'm here for you.
There's nothing you can say;
Nothing you can do.
There's no other way when it comes to the truth.
So keep holding on, cause you know we'll make it through.
We'll make it through.

This is for anyone who has doubts. Who doesn't believe. Who wishes that they were living a different life. Somone is there for you. You just need to open your eyes and look. And if no one wants to be there .. then maybe there's something wrong with you .. because EVERYONE cannot hate you. And no problem is too big to solve. No question should go unanswered. You shouldn't have to walk the dark path alone. 

I'm incredibly lucky to have who I have with me. My husband Jon, my sister Erika, and my best friend Amanda. I would be so stupid to fuck that up. So I'm grateful to you three for just accepting me for who I am and for just being who you are right next to me.